Striplv Magazine - The Sexiest Magazine on the Planet, Issue 0718

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HOES BEFORE BROS By Lainie Speiser There’s a saying among men: Bros Before Hoes. It’s why men rule the world, basically, because no matter how horrible their fellow man is, no matter what horrible thing he’s done, no matter how useless he is, all men stick together. And they never, ever let a hoe get between them. If a woman does come between them, sure there may be a fist fight, but at the end of the day, men are smart enough to know that there is strength in numbers and even if they hate each other’s guts, they stick together as a united front. That’s the real power. But I’ve always said, Hoes Before Bros, specifically my hoes— whether they be my clients, my friends or my family— if anyone brings any harm, discomfort or even embarrassment, I will always side with my ladies. They’ve been better to me than any man has ever been, and I’ve always felt so lucky that in the darkest of times, I still have my career as a porn peddler to take comfort in, to lose myself in and to occupy my mind with. Even when I’ve known that my girls have fucked up, I will still always side with them publicly and then privately give them the proverbial tongue lashing. I learned this from my mother. No matter what stupid thing I did as a kid or as an adult, and there have been many, she always stuck up for me and then when we got home she beat the snot out of me, yelling that the last thing she wanted to do on a cold, dark winter’s day was to get dressed and haul ass to my school to speak to a guidance counselor on why my grades were so bad or where I had been for the last few days. That’s called loyalty, and without it, you’re nothing. Case in point: this past Christmas one of my clients got into an on-air tiff on a popular podcast with a comedian who I’ve worked with in the past. As many comedians know how to do, he found the soft spot, the vulnerable, tender area, and he kept poking it until my client, who’s well-known for being scrappy got into it with him and the Bronx in her came tumbling out in a major way until the show was over. It was rare that I was not there for the show. I was stuck behind my desk working on a deadline but I listened to the entire thing. My heart sank. It’s not that my being there would have changed anything, but I perhaps could have yanked her out of the studio before things imploded. I’ve been there before. It’s one of the things most people remember about my work: when a client has had a meltdown live on the air. Nobody ever remembers the good stuff. That’s the sad state of human nature. In interviews I’m still asked about the time porn star and “Penthouse Pet of the Year” Shawna Lenee lost it on Opie and Anthony almost 10 years ago, so I knew this would be a doozy. I was right. I got a call from the podcast host,and was pleasantly surprised that he was not angry at me, but concerned that I would be angry at him. He even asked me if my client was okay, a real gentleman. I took to Twitter right afterward because I knew the comedian, who is notorious for living on social media, would tweet about it, and again I was right. He must have still been in the studio when he made the statement on social media. “I just got physically threatened by a crazy, so-called porn star,” he wrote. While my client may have overreacted to his ribbing about prostitution and porn stars (for future reference, no, we don’t like that), I didn’t appreciate how he knew she was my client and didn’t think that this was disrespectful to me, a woman who has not only worked for him but who also got him an all-expense trip to The Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Reno that included him getting the royal sex treatment. I even gave him my “VIP Sex Ticket” that I wasn’t going to use because I’m Strictly Dickly so he could have a three-way. And I didn’t even tell anyone because he asked me not to so his baby momma wouldn’t get upset at him. This guy, whom I’d been so good to, didn’t have any loyalty to me. So, I tweeted back, “You’re not afraid of a girl, are you?” That one sentence upset his masculinity greatly, so his legion of fans fired back on his behalf because again, “bros before hoes.” They called me a stupid cunt and a bad pimp and tweeted “why don’t I keep my girl on a leash?” The comedian tweeted back to me, “How can you say that? She’s done this before.” And I replied, “Why don’t you be a gentleman?” I thought it would have ended there, with his fans calling her names and calling me names. That would be it and then they would be on to the next victim. But no. The next time I did business with the comedian’s partner, I was asked what I did to make this man so upset. Why did I attack him over him getting attacked by my client? So I showed his partner what I wrote on Twitter, and he rolled his eyes and thanked me for not going deeper with it. That was no problem with me; success for a publicist is knowing when to open your mouth and when to keep it closed, no matter how bad to want to fuck with someone. With great power comes great

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