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Striplv Magazine - The Sexiest Magazine on the Planet, Issue 0917

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Chapter 1 I knew that there was no way that I would travel over 8,000 miles from Las Vegas to Bangkok in coach, so I cashed in my miles and bought a first-class ticket since I didn’t pack any Xanax, Ambien, Valium or other sleeping pills for the trip.  Besides, Sing, Wonder Woman, and My Cousin Rachel were all playing on the in-flight movies that month, so it was a good enough reason to stay awake. Arriving close to midnight (our flight was wonderfully late, more champagne for me), I met up with my buddy from New Orleans, and we took a limo to my hotel. We arrived around 12:30 a.m. at the hotel, and what can I say? For a hotel that I booked online for $67 a night, wow! I got a full apartment suite! Complete with kitchen, full bathroom, tub, shower, dining room, office, the works. It overlooks a courtyard (you’d think you were in Hawaii, book ‘em, Dano).  Gym, steam, sauna, pool, whirlpool, I was totally blown away. I looked at major hotel chains (5 stars), and none of them were as nice as this. Right off Sukhumvit Road and Soi 10 is where the main action is. My buddy was one block over from me on Soi 8. He got his hotel for $28 a night. A real shithole! His room (the A/C was broken) was as big as my bathroom. For all of you travelers out there, when heading to Bangkok, don’t go cheap! If all you can afford is a $28 room, don’t bother going! BTW, my buddy isn’t poor, just cheap! By the way, did I mention that I get a free buffet breakfast included in my $67? It rivals most Vegas hotel buffets! Of course, what trip to Thailand would be complete without a trip to the red light district? And everyone knows that with a 30-to-1 Thai baht to U.S. dollar ratio, you can live large at the bars (hint-hint)! Okay, so a night at a Vegas strip club is as follows (the following is tourist pricing). Cab: $30, entry into club: $30, 2 drinks: $30 + $10 tip, 3 table dances: $100. One hour later, you leave with $200 less in your pocket, replaced with blue balls. Or, if you go big-time, $500 for a bottle, lots of dances (up the ante of $100 to $500) and you’re living large in Vegas. So let’s see, our new total is $1,100, and you’re still leaving with blue balls! But hey, we’re a big-shot, right? So that night our plan was to visit Nana Plaza. I’ll let you Google why the name is Nana. It’s a rectangular three-story shit hole that contains about 20 red-light bars. SPOILER ALERT: Unless you are into plain-looking, short, flat-chested brunette Asian women, don’t bother visiting. All the girls look the same, with a few exceptions. If you’re looking for hot Vegas-style women, tits and ass, then head to the far corner of the second floor. All the transvestites are the hottest women (the correct term is “ladyboy”), so if you don’t know any better, you’ll end up like Stu in Hangover II. But hey, I’m from Vegas! I know the difference, right? We made it to our third bar. It’s twice as large as the last two, but the difference is there were 10 times the number of girls on stage— which is pretty impressive, considering the other bars were packed to capacity with girls on stage. Apparently, they don’t believe in lap dances. It’s almost like Lake Mead. When you head out on the docks, the fish are trampling over each other to get some popcorn from the tourists passing by. Same thing here, except the women are on stage above you with numbers so that you can pick them out like rubber ducks. Of course, we were living large. We were buying drinks, throwing down cash, tipping everyone, giving girls tips while they’re onstage (unheard of), spending thousands and thousands of bahts. I calculated that we blew through 3,000 baht in this one bar! I was freaking out until I pulled out my iPhone and ran the number through my currency calculator (they have an app for that!) and realized that we only spent about $50 each! Fuck me! Is this great or what? So then it was time to blow some real hard cash and pull some girls legally out of the club. I was trying to figure out how the clubs made any money just selling drinks. In Vegas, the girls are the hook to get guys to buy drinks. In Thailand, it’s the opposite. It’s the clubs that exist, to get the guys to buy the girls. They make more money that way. Each girl costs 600 baht, a fee that you pay the club (costs to the girls for services rendered are extra, we’ll discuss that later). My buddy pulled a tiny 35-year-old experienced girl out of one club. It costs him 500 baht (he got a discount for a slightly used model). I found one girl who was pretty hot, but when I realized that my cost in USD was only $20, I decided that it was my job to support industry (hey, I’m from Vegas, we support industry), so I pulled out another two smokin’ hot girls (definitely models) tall, slender, natural large tits and ass, 25 and 27. Remember, I spoke earlier about exceptions? Well, these were three exceptions, and we all headed back to my suite (I wouldn’t be caught dead in his shit hole and besides, we wouldn’t all fit)! Then one of my girls tells me that she’s hungry (of course, we only passed 50 restaurants on the way to my hotel), and another girl tells me that she’s shy and see anything wrong with this picture? In Vegas, this is definitely getting played, but, this is Thailand, where honor in the service industry means something. While we’re working out the details, my buddy had already been going at it for the last 20 minutes, hardcore! So I gave each girl 300 baht for food and a cab and sent them on their way. Then the shy one started working on me. This girl was even more beautiful than she was on stage. It started off with a full body oil massage and then, don’t ask. It looked like the Las Vegas Fire department had put out a fire in my room. Foam, water, soaked everywhere. My buddy had his hanging upside down from the rafters. It was, by far, the best cardio exercise that I’ve had in a while. It was so good that I forgot to take my Viagra and Cialis cocktail! And as soon as the referee rang the bell, sounding the end of the match, my other two companions returned from their feast ready for their bout. So four to five hours later and it was time for them to say goodbye. Even though I wanted them to stay, it wasn’t going to happen. The hotel would need to call in a hazmat team to clean up the suite. No nook was left untouched by the six of us. It was a glorious first night.   Chapter 2 My goal was to lose 20 pounds while I was in Bangkok. I didn’t think that it would be too difficult since I was down to one meal a day, breakfast. My schedule is pretty simple: eat breakfast, work out at gym, take a nap poolside, shower, shave, head out to the red light district, pick up a girl, take her back to the room, spend two hours of cardio exercise with her, receive massage, sleep, and repeat, starting with breakfast.   It’s day number two and we’re headed out to Soi Cowboy (again, you can Google the name and understand its origins). Now, this place was totally different than Nana Plaza, where Nana Plaza looks like a scene out of West Side Story (you know the beginning where the Jets and Sharks rumble), this place looks like a shrunken down Fremont Street in Las Vegas, with neon lights and light bulb lit clubs on each side, complete with 100% authentic Vegas style food vendors, riffraff bums, and tourists. Girls are dressed in outfits (cowgirls, school girls, yellow taxi driver right out of Michael Jackson’s The WIZ, etc.) beckoning you to enter their establishment.   They even have Vegas names. Cowboy, Sahara, Susie Wong, Limelight, and a host of others I can’t remember. Every club looks like Sassy Sally’s on Fremont or a replica of a Las Vegas Hotel: small, made larger by mirrors, stages that are four feet off the ground, 100 girls on every stage in matching outfits, tiny little booths, bench seats, and a host of older women pushing drinks at 150 baht! (Remember, that’s only $5, but it’s the principle of the thing, dammit!) By this point, we’re experts on these types of clubs. We had one simple rule. Make that two simple rules. If a club had less than 200 girls on stage, or simply put, if there was enough space between them where you could see light, then the club was considered dead and we wouldn’t stay for a drink. Oh yeah, I forgot rule two. Stay out of Ladyboy clubs or any clubs where super hot tall Asian women were hanging around outside,  especially if the super hot girls had husky voices. A big no-no!   We decided to leave no stone unturned, so we went into every club (utilizing the two rule exception) and checked out what each one had to offer. These clubs are similar, but actually quite different. Some are two-story (don’t even talk about the stairs, any U.S. State Fire Marshall would shut them down in a minute) with see-through plastic floors, some are dimly lit, some are bright, some play house music, some retro, some country western, some cool Vegas club music.   I have no idea how we found this place, but the long and narrow stage (three feet wide) had 100 naked girls on it when we walked in, and as soon as we sat down, they disappeared. Then five girls took the stage, in matching costumes, and performed an act where they took yellow golf balls (I know that these were definitely not Ping Pong balls) holding their legs together, pushed them in between and dropped them into a cup. No, wait! I’m wrong! The first act was the girls who took cigarettes and smoked them through their lips (the other ones, not the ones on their face – now I know why some girls smell like stale cigarettes down there), next was the golf balls. But save the best for last! The new batch brought out unopened beer bottles. Needless to say, they did things to these beer bottles that I wouldn’t do to farm animals. The act ended with a gushing climax of beer all over the place. By the way, did I mention not to get too overdressed for these clubs? Shorts, a ripped T-shirt and sandals are top-notch attire.   One of the first clubs that we entered had the prettiest women. I met this one girl, 32 years old (a great-grandmother by Thai standards) who had the most beautiful face I ever saw. Couldn’t speak a word of English, but that face. I decided that no matter what, she had to be mine by the end of the night. Speaking about Asian

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