STRIPLV1117

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Striplv Magazine - The Sexiest Magazine on the Planet, Issue 1017

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Scrooged (1988) 100m. 70%. D: Richard Donner. W: Mitch Glazer and Michael O’Donoghue. St: Paramount Pictures. S: Bill Murray, Karen Allen, John Forsythe, Bobcat Goldthwait, Carol Kane, Robert Mitchum, Michael J. Pollard and Alfre Woodard. The 411: Never forget where you came from. There are more important things to life than conducting business. Beware of spirits who drive taxicabs. [PG-13] Bingeworthy: Since this is based on A Christmas Carol, pick a version (or two) and watch them together. You can be an adult and watch the 1938 version with Reginald Owen, the 1951 adaptation with Alastair Sim, or you can act like a kid and go with 1992’s The Muppet Christmas Carol, 120m, 85% [G]. Any will do. Stalag 17 (1953) 120m. 93%. D: Billy Wilder. W: Billy Wilder and Edwin Blum. St: Paramount Pictures. S: William Holden, Don Taylor, Otto Preminger, Robert Strauss, Harvey Lembeck, Peter Graves, Sig Ruman, Neville Brand and Richard Erdman. The 411: Finance companies will send you past due notices even if you’re a Prisoner of War. It pays to run a racket in order to keep the enemy in check. When you’re having dinner in Berlin, it’s lunchtime in Cleveland. [NR] The Blind Side (2009) 129m. 85%. D/W: John Lee Hancock. St: Warner Brothers. S: Sandra Bullock, Tim McGraw, Quinton Aaron, Jae Head, Lily Collins, Ray McKinnon and Kathy Bates. The 411: It’s okay to open your home as well as your heart. For some, adoption can be a lifeline. Sometimes a Thanksgiving family dinner can be a life-changing event. [PG-13] The Last Waltz (1978) 117m. 94%. Documentary. D: Martin Scorsese. St: MGM.S: The Band and more than a dozen iconic music legends including Bob Dylan, Ringo Starr, Eric Clapton, Muddy Waters, and Van Morrison. The 411: The Band’s farewell concert which took place at Madison Square Garden on Thanksgiving 1976. [PG] The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) 76m. 91%. Animation. D: Tim Burton and Henry Selick. W: Tim Burton, Caroline Thompson, and Michael McDowell. St: Touchstone Pictures. S: Danny Elfman, Chris Sarandon, Catherine O’Hara, William Hickey, Glenn Shadix, Paul Reubens, Ken Page and Ed Ivory. The 411: Monsters, ghosts, ghouls, and zombies deserve to celebrate Christmas too. Even a “Pumpkin King” can grow tired of the same routine year after year. Halloween Town is a nice place to visit – for Halloween – but you wouldn’t want to live there. [PG] The Santa Clause (1994) 97m. 65%. D: John Pasquin. W: Leo Benvenuti, Steve Rudnick, and Karey Kirkpatrick. St: Walt Disney Pictures. S: Tim Allen, Judge Reinhold, Wendy Crewson, Eric Lloyd, Larry Brandenburg and David Krumholtz. The 411: Always clarify the terms of a contract before agreeing to it. Snow globes can be magical. If you believe in Santa, you might finally get that Oscar Mayer Weenie Whistle you wanted. [PG] White Christmas (1954) 120m. 88%. D: Michael Curtiz. W: Norman Krasna, Norman Panama, and Melvin Frank. St: Paramount Pictures. S: Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen. The 411: Military men stick together, even after a war. All it takes is a couple of phone calls and knowing the right people to pull off a national television broadcast from Vermont. There’s nothing quite like a white Christmas. [G] Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory (1971) 98m. 86%. D: Mel Stuart. W: David Seltzer and Roald Dahl. St: Paramount Pictures. S: Gene Wilder, Jack Albertson, and Peter Ostrum. The 411: Finding a winning ticket doesn’t make you a winner. The Candy Man can ‘cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good. In the end being honest is what makes you a real winner. [G] You’ve Got Mail (1998) 119m. 73%. D: Nora Ephron. W: Nora Ephron, Delia Ephron, and Miklós László. St: Warner Brothers. S: Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. The 411: Mega bookstores are evil while independent bookstores are good. If you go shopping in a specialty food store on Thanksgiving be sure to bring cash. It’s okay to fall in love with a business rival through email. [PG] Bingeworthy Because several movies on our list are part of franchises and therefore have sequels, with the exception of the Die Hard film franchise and a couple of the Rocky movies which take place around the holidays, none of the other films are really “binge-worthy” whether we’re talking about the several Home Alone sequels, Grumpier Old Men (1995) or even last year’s Bad Santa 2. So, if you really want to watch The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), and we recommend you don’t, go ahead and punish yourself. In the meantime, we’ve compiled a short list of movies you should watch together. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (1973) 25m, 74%, [NR] and A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965) 25m, 86%, [NR]. If you want to feel like a kid again while keeping your adult perspective, these are the two to watch together as Charles Schultz knew how to write for both kids and adults. While Bill Melendez and Phil Roman directed Christmas together, Melendez went solo with Thanksgiving. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964) 53m, 83%, [NR], Frosty the Snowman (1969) 25m, 72%, [NR] and Santa Clause is Comin’ to Town (1970) 53m, 81%, [NR] are a trio of Rankin/Bass stop-motion animation TV specials that feature an amazing array of top actors and voice actors of the day: Burl Ives, Billie Mae Richards, Stan Francis and Paul Kligman (Rudolph); Jimmy Durante, Billy De Wolfe, Jackie Vernon, Paul Frees and June Foray (Frosty); and Fred Astaire, Mickey Rooney, Keenan Wynn, Joan Gardner, Paul Frees and Robie Lester (Santa). If you’ve been bad all year and want to punish yourself, here are a couple of really terrible holiday movies that should come with a can of cranberry sauce because they are real turkeys! Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) 81m. 27%. D: Nicholas Webster. W: Paul Jacobson and Glenville Mareth. St: Embassy Pictures. S: John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck and Bill McCutcheon. The 411: It’s okay for Martians to be familiar with Yiddish terms. It is not okay for Martian children to watch Earth television. A young Pia Zadora makes her acting debut. [PG] Santa Claus: The Movie (1985) 108m. 66%. D: Jeannot Szwarc. W: David Newman and Leslie Newman. St: TriStar Pictures. S: Dudley Moore, John Lithgow, David Huddleston, Judy Cornwell and Burgess Meredith. The 411: After Ilya Salkind helped bring Superman to the silver screen in 1978 with the tagline “You’ll believe a man can fly,” he thought he could make people believe a sleigh could fly with this abomination. Great idea. Great cast. Horrible execution. [PG] And if you’ve been really bad . . . Would a list in STRIPLV be complete without any adult content? Here are a few holiday-themed adult videos you may want to check out. And hopefully after watching these that is still butter on the popcorn. How the Grinch Gaped Christmas (2014) 96m. D/W: Joanna Angel. St: Burning Angel Entertainment. S: Joanna Angel, Amber Ivy, Krissie Dee and others. The 411: According to the promotional info on this spoof, ‘Tis the season to gape. Whoville in this video is Whoreville, and apparently, every whore in Whoreville loved Christmas except the Grinch (a female), who lived just north of Whoreville and who supposedly hadn’t been laid in quite some time. [X] The Nightmare Before XXXMas (2015) D/W: Joanna Angel. St: Burning Angel Entertainment. S: Small Hands and Joanna Angel. The 411: Sally is a horny ragdoll. Jack has a “Christmas Package.” They fuck, and that’s about it. Despite the expense at special effects, it’s pretty bad parody porn at its best – or would that be at its worst? [X] This Isn’t Christmas Vacation: The XXX Parody (2010) 127m. D: Sammy Slater. St: Devil’s Films. S: Carolyn Reese, Emma Heart, Tweety Valentine, Melanie Rios, Sonny Hicks, Alec Knight, Marco Rivera, Anthony Rosano. The 411: The gang’s all here – Clark and Elen Dickwald, Audrey and Rusty, even cousin Eddy and his wife. [X] Tits a Wonderful Life (1994) 86m. D: Mitch Spinelli. W: Bosley DeLongprez. St: Cal Vista Video. S: Lisa Ann, Lynn LeMay, Jordan Lee, Nikki Sinn, Vince Vouyer, Alex Sanders and others. The Plot and more: A naked guardian angel assists a hopeless gangster by showing him how life would have turned out if he was never born. The movie taglines were “George Bailey eat your heart out” and “Every time a bell rings, an angel gets...” [X]

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